marți, 1 februarie 2011

thoughts on adoption.

Hello blogland. How's it going today? I'd doing well, thanks for asking.

I have lots of thoughts floating around in my head, and it's going to be hard to write them out. Hubby and I have started giving some serious thought to adoption. We've talked about it on and off for a year or two as a possibility. At first I said I wanted only our biological baby; that I didn't just want a baby, I wanted to make a baby together and see ourselves in that child. Then I started thinking maybe I could adopt and love a baby that was not biologically mine. Then I went back to wanting my biological child or nothing. I think the wavering was mostly because I hadn't quite given up hope on conceiving. I am back to seeing adoption as a real option, and I think I'm there to stay. Here's how I came to this conclusion (let's see it in a list):

1. I do want a family, and if we can't make one ourselves, then I'm ready to explore other options. I know now without a doubt that I could love a baby that is not biologically mine.
2. I have talked to others who have adopted, and that baby immediately became theirs. Love at first sight.
3. I know we can give a child a healthy and loving home.
4. I have talked to people about the process and it didn't scare me away.
5. I am not getting any younger.
6. I am not willing to undergo any more treatments.
7. I am not willing to put my life on hold anymore to try this or that. I don't want to take my BBT, don't want to put a pillow under my ass and lay there for 20 minutes after sex, don't want to have sex on day 14 if we don't want to. It's not like I'm getting back on the pill, I'm just done with "trying" after almost 5 years! Know what I mean?
8. I know many of you are not at this point and are much more willing to exhaust all other options, but we don't have insurance coverage for infertility and I hated the treatments. Also, I'd rather spend that money (once I find it) and be guarenteed a baby!
9. I'm tired of watching everyone around me get pregnant and enter into parenthood while I watch on the sidelines. I'm just tired of it.
10. It gives me hope and that feels good.

Adopting a baby will not be a consolation prize and we have a lot more to think about. When to start the process, how to pick an agency, what we're willing to take or discuss as far as medical issues, race, etc., financing. Then there is tons of paperwork and stuff to do. I have two friends who will be great resources if/when we start the process. Right now, we just have a lot more talking to do, and most importantly, we're going to stay on the same page during this process. If hubby needs to slow down, then I'll respect his feelings and slow down. This is also not something I want to just jump into. I want to gather lots of information and really analyze my feelings on this and hubby's feelings too.

Yesterday I got on an adoption website and looked at the children available for adoption now. I fell in love with a 13 year old boy with green eyes and red hair. A local tv station airs a story about one of the kids each week and I watched his video online, then made hubby watch it. This red-headed kid was into animals and science just like my husband, which is why I fell for him. We talked and talked and realized that this does not fit our lifestyle right now. We're 31 and 32 and hardly feel like we could parent a 13 year old right now. Hell sometimes I still feel like a 13 year old. Then I talked to a friend of my SIL for an hour and a half last night about her adoption experience and I really do think I'd like a newborn, but I'm not opposed to still thinking about an older kid. There are just so many things to consider and I tend to get carried away. I'm just ready for a child to love, I know you all understand that!

Anyway, that's what's up in our world. I need to finish school up sometime next year, but maybe we can start the process so that we're not at square one and have another year to wait after I graduate! That's still being negotiated. It feels good though to be considering something that might actually work out. I'm tired of waiting on my body. If it happens naturally one day, then we'll have two kids - yea!

Have a great weekend everyone!