vacation

No, I'm not going on vacation, I just got back this weekend. My husband and I took a one week vacation to a very beautiful place. Whenever we told someone where we were going, they would say "you suck." I didn't blog about it before because I was having a hard enough time dealing with the fact that I would be leaving my baby for a week. I told my husband from the beginning that I didn't know if I could do it, but that I would do my best. Some people were surprised that I would leave a 9 month old. I wouldn't have done it if I didn't know he would be in the best possible hands, next to mine.

He stayed with my parents at their house for five days and my MIL for three. She kept him at our house. He apparently had a great time. Our parents really enjoyed him. One day my parents took him to one of my favorite parks as a kid (and where I happened to get engaged) and my brother and his kids met them there and they had a great day.

How was our vacation? It was great when we were doing stuff. However, I made the mistake of taking my laptop and asking my mom to send photos. I also called her on the phone daily to see how he was doing. He did great, but it was hard for me to see the photos. I craved them, but they made me sad. Sometimes my mom would put the phone up to his ear and I would talk to him and he would make little noises. My mom told me that his eyes lit up and he smiled really big each time. It nearly brought tears to my eyes. Further into the week I started calling later in the day, so that he would be in bed.

While we were driving around the island or doing other fun stuff, I was ok. Downtime in the hotel room was a little tough. We saw children and babies everywhere. I think people are brave to get on a plane that long with a baby. I drank lots of mai tais, which helped a little, and I am not a self-medicator! Anyway, the moral of the story is that I just wasn't ready to be away for a week. Our vacation was nice, but we didn't have the amazing time we usually do. We look forward to our vacations and have always budgeted for one. I love my husband and enjoy his company, but I missed my baby boy like crazy. One week was too long at this point in time. I think I could have done about four days just fine. I regret that I couldn't make the most of it. One week doesn't seem like that much time, but it felt more like a month!

When we got home and saw him, he smiled so big and reached for us. He couldn't decide who he wanted. He changed so much in just a week. He is a faster crawler, pulls up with ease, and cruises around the furniture while holding on. He can also feed himself puffs now and I think he got cuter! He is cutting more teeth now too. It's pretty sad when you can't wait to leave Hawaii. Of course, now that I'm back, I miss the island!

Hope you're all having a nice week.
Later.

bp meeting

I have been super busy at work and apologize for taking so long to get this post up. I usually blog during down-time at work (bad I know, like you don't do it!). The meeting last week with the BPs went really well. BM and her mom and BF all came. We met in a room at the agency and stayed for about 3 hours. I think everyone enjoyed it.

BM and her mom got there and waited with the post adoption case worker, who counseled them about the visit. We got there and got set up in the room, then they were brought down. D0n0 was sitting on a blanket on the floor and we were setting up some snacks we had brought. When I saw BM I teared up and we hugged each other. Then she went and scooped D0n0 up. He doesn't get nervous around new people, but he does like to study them quite a bit before he's ready to play and be held, so he did stare at her for a while. BF had overslept (which is apparently his MO), but he was only a few minutes late. D0n0 had a good time playing with everyone and getting so much attention. We got a lot of good photos too. We all get along well and BM's mom is a very good conversation starter, so we had a nice time.

Three hours was a little long in the same location the whole time though. What else can you really do with an 8 1/2 month old though? Maybe as he gets older, future visits can be at fun places, like the zoo. He got pretty fussy about 1.5 or 2 hours into it because he needed a nap in a bad way. He also didn't eat well because there was just too much going on. Whenever he would get upset, he would reach for me and I felt so bad that I couldn't give him the nap he needed. It was stressful to see him cry and not be able to comfort him, but we did our best to keep him cool so they could enjoy him. After all, it was only three hours of our lives, but it was the only three hours they will spend with him for a long time.

I did notice a few things while we were there. First of all, D0n0 has BF's eyes, exactly, but BM's face. He is such a beautiful mixture of them, and they are both very good looking people. BM kept saying things like "I hope he doesn't get my chin" and "I hope he doesn't get my nose." I told her that as an adoptive mother, I don't think like that at all. I certainly don't have to worry about him getting my nose, but other than that, I don't care who's nose he ends up with! I just sit back and enjoy.

I can't tell if the BPs are still together. Something in an email a while back made me think they were not, but they acted just the same as they did when we first met them. They are about to go to separate colleges, but they do seem to at least be good friends, and that makes me happy. They are both still very interested in D0n0 (especially BM) and love him very much. BM brought him some gifts and BF apparently forgot the gifts he was supposed to bring, but said he'd get them to us.

My husband was a little worried at first that they would try to show too much possession. I didn't think they would, and they didn't at all. They totally consider us D0n0's mom and dad. BM even emailed on Sunday to tell my husband happy father's day. I thought that was so sweet.

The day before our meeting, BM emailed me and said she was watching Ju.no and that we were "like 10 times more awesome than those adoptive parents." How's that for validation? Of course we're still married, so that gives us a leg up already. I'm so glad we have had the opportunity to establish a healthy relationship with D0n0's birthparents and hope it will continue to grow into a friendship through the years. They seemed happy and comfortable with everything and we are too.

I have mentioned before that I would be comfortable with more contact, and have been talking some about it with my husband. I would like to meet more of their families and let them meet D0n0. We shall see how that develops as well. That's all for now. Happy hump day!

the boy

I have some other posts brewing, but haven't had time to write them.

D0n0van started crawling this weekend. That morning he figured out how to go from his belly to sitting and I knew it was only a matter of time. He had been rocking on his knees for a while. His crawling started out pretty awkward and difficult. Three days later he is crawling much farther and faster and less awkward. I figure by the time the week is out, he'll be cruising across the floor like nobody's business.

He was a good roller before and could get to what he wanted, but now, he sees what he wants and makes a bee-line for it. I usually intercept him and tell him, no that is not yours. His favorite thing is to head for the PSII or the power strip by our tv.

He also has four teeth now.

In this short time, he has gotten much more willful. It's like he has a new body with super-powers and wants to see just what he's capable of. He doesn't like to lay on the changing table or be held too much. It is a time of rapid discovery and change. Sometimes we look at him in the morning and think he changed during the night. He can wave at himself in the mirror and even waved at Daddy before he went to bed the other night. He studies and notices everything, even out of the corner of his eye. He amazes me and I feel so privileged to be his mother. He is the sweetest and smiliest baby I've ever known and I'm beyond blessed to see all those smiles!

I don't post too often just about the boy, but wanted to share this amazing time.

We meet with his birthparents tomorrow. I will let you know how it goes!

adoption is a verb

I can't remember where I read this to give them appropriate credit, but it's been running through my head and I thought I'd put it on here. I once read something talking about using the word "adopted" as a verb rather than an adjective. I think that makes all kind of sense. It's the difference in saying "we adopted our son" instead of "our son is adopted." One phrase is a purposeful action, while the other is a label. I will strive to always use the first.

If you're reading this and you know where this idea came from, please remind me. I think it is so relevant and important.

Peace!

quickie

Thank you for your kind comments on my last post. A few of you had questions. You can email me a hope548 at gmail dot com and I'd be happy to answer them.

Also, we went to a birthday party this weekend for a friend of a friend. All these people were there with their kids. It's the exact kind of party we wouldn't have attended before we became parents, and it's surreal to attend those types of things now and feel comfortable. The funny thing is that I ended up in a room talking to two other women who have done fertility treatments. They were having this conversation and fertile women in the room were the minority. That was a change of pace!

the bps now

I mentioned I would post on our relationship with D0n0's birthparents and how it's changed since placement. I wrote this post yesterday, then hesitated to post it because it is so personal and such a private subject. After I re-read it, I decided it is general and anonymous enough, and I will share it because I trust the people who read and comment on this blog. It's a long one.

D0n0's birthparents have the same first initial, so I'll just abbreviate with BM and BF.

When we first met, we hit it off really well. We had an easy-going, friendly relationship. They were both about to be high school seniors. BM was a little shy and soft-spoken and BF was outgoing and really friendly. We set up an email account so we could communicate. We had two face to face meetings that were friendly. On placement day, we spent about 3 hours in the hospital room with them, meeting the baby, and talking and joking around. Everything was always light and friendly.

After placement, I struggled to determine how much we should communicate. BM said she'd like to hear anything we wanted to tell her and was happy to get photos. My husband didn't want me to email too often, thus setting a precedent, so we decided to ask her to email any time she'd like an update. If it had been only up to me, I probably would have sent photos weekly. BM and I kept up our friendly relationship and I think it has definitely improved over time and grown to mutual respect and even love. She has enjoyed all of the updates (6 weeks, 3 mth, 6 mth) and all of the smaller updates in between, and has told me several times that it is very reassuring to her to see how well D0n0van is doing. Talk about validation! I also created a private blog to post videos for them to see., which she loved. She can't wait to see us all.

BF does not communicate with us anymore. He was the outgoing one at first, and now only answers emails if I ask him a direct question, such as his availability for our first visit. He obviously deals with things differently and I accept that. My husband, being a fellow guy, speculates that BF needs to distance himself, and then probably feels guilty for distancing himself. At one point, BM told me BF was not going to come to the visit this summer, that he would wait until D0n0 was old enough to request to see him. At some point he changed his mind and is going to come after all and we were glad to hear that. Of course all of this was communicated through BM. They are both about to go off to college and I get the idea they are not a couple anymore, but they still talk.

Our meeting is going to be at the agency in a few weeks. I had talked to our caseworker about it and our agency recommends meeting there the first time so that counselors are available in case anyone has a hard time. A caseworker will meet with them prior to them joining us in the meeting room to let them know what to expect. We will have about a 3 hour meeting. I just learned that BF is coming without his mom (she was at our 2nd face to face and at placement), BM and her mom (who we've met) are coming, and BM's father is coming (who we have not met). I thought BM's mom and possibly his sister would come too. From an earlier communication with his mom, she told me he was reluctant to share the photos and updates with her, so I'm guessing he's still processing all of this and wants to do the first meeting alone. I am really looking forward to seeing them and for them to see the sweet baby they made and so lovingly placed with us. Another reason we wanted to meet at the agency is so we have plenty of space to spread out and play with D0n0 on the floor. I can't really think of any other neutral places to meet where we would have that freedom.

My husband and I have different philosophies when it comes to the BPs. He is more than willing to do everything we originally agreed to, but doesn't necessarily want to do more (i.e. invite them to birthday parties, etc). He has not developed the same strong bond that I have with BM, but certainly does appreciate what they've done for us. I wanted to send her a card for mother's day, just to let her know we were thinking of her, nothing too mushy. At first he didn't like the idea, but when we talked about it a little more, he got on board. I think he thought it might hurt her, but I wanted to make a gesture. She thanked us for it.

My husband really struggled at first to feel like a parent. I'm trying to properly put this into words. You try so long to become a parent, and then you finally become a parent to a child that someone else created. We both loved D0n0van immediately, but it did take a while to truly feel like his parents. Certainly getting up at all hours of the night, getting peed on, vomited on, and changing countless diapers makes you feel parent-like, but it takes a little something extra to truly feel like a mother or father. I imagine this is even true at first when you've given birth to your biological baby. As we were struggling to feel like true parents, having that extra added relationship with D0n0van's biological parents made it more difficult for my husband to feel like a father.

I think with me, I jumped into my roll as mother a lot easier because I tend to connect emotionally much faster. In addition, I felt very emotionally connected to BM and desired to have whatever type of relationship with her that she desired to have with us. I have had to slow myself way down to not step on my husband's toes with this. As I mentioned before, if it were up to me, we'd talk all the time, and she would be invited to b-day parties and to dinner at our house. As it stands, they still don't know our last name or address. If they send something to us, it has to go through the agency. It makes me feel a bit duplicitous at times because I know I reach out more through my emails than my actions are able to show, but I simply can't go against what my husband feels is the right thing. It's a hard balance to strike. He has definitely come around a lot in these last months and I think he realizes the restraint I exercise in keeping our communications somewhat minimal.

BM has shown great maturity throughout this entire process. She does not email more than we're comfortable with and has never said anything we consider to be inappropriate. I think she has a very supportive family and it seems she has adjusted very well. I want her to always be part of our lives and I hope that one day we can have a very easy and completely open relationship. I'm not sure where things will go with BF, if he will distance himself for a while, if he will stay in the background, or if he will want a little more involvement in the future. Men often deal with things differently than women do. BM has chosen to embrace us, while BF has chosen distance. They are young and we are all figuring this out as we go. Only time will tell where our relationships will go. Whatever happens, we'll make sure that D0n0van comes first.

It is difficult to properly express these things that we are still working through. I put this out here because, well, because some of you expressed interest in it, and it's part of our journey, and it's important. It's a lot easier for relationships to evolve when both you and your spouse desire the same level of openness. When we set out to adopt, the idea of open adoption was the scariest part of it for me, and now I desire the openness. Funny how that happens. I'll let you know how the meeting goes next month.

Our beautiful son is 8 months old today. I leave you with some 8 month cuteness taken this morning. Have a lovely weekend!

cuteness

First time in the pool

New duck tub (it even quacks).